to just be
Dear God,
I promise I’m not gonna overanalyze today. I’m not gonna overthink. I’m not gonna try to figure things out that are beyond me, or try to fix the brokenness found within my own heart. I’m not gonna try to make up excuses for the ways that I fail, and I’m not gonna try to find my own redemption. I am just going to be.
I’m going to be me, broken yet beautiful, always in process, before You.
I’m going to admit that I don’t have things together, and that I desperately, utterly need You.
I’m going to sit in Your presence and delight in knowing that You receive me as I am, You take joy in who I am, and You are determined to make me more like You.
I know my love is not perfect. I know I can’t love in the ways I desire to. I know I have so far to go in understanding Your love. I know that I don’t always say the right things, or do the right things, or handle myself the right way. I know.
But I also know that You never give up on me. I know that Your love is enough for me. I know that You will teach me, and grow me, and fill me, and use me, and mold me…not because I do the right things or because I’m worthy, but simply because my life is Yours, fully surrendered to You and submitted to Your leading. You are my LORD. Adonai.
So fix my eyes on you this day. Grant me the joy of resting in Your presence. Give me a soft heart, and open eyes, and a spirit that keeps asking, keeps walking, keeps trying.
I choose to walk in freedom today. I choose to walk in faith. I choose to delight myself in You alone, oh God.
Why learning a new language is a lot like dating someone…
1. It’s all about communication.
2. It can really interfere with your social life.
3. Some days, it feels like you’re really understood. Other days, you wonder if you’re even speaking the same language?!
4. When you start out, you don’t even know what the end result will be. How far will this go? How long will it take?
5. Sometimes it’s not the words that throw you off, it’s what’s behind the words.
6. It’s a commitment. In other words, it’s a lot of work!
7. You wonder all the time how this will shape your future.
8. It’s like putting together a puzzle…one piece at a time.
9. It makes going out a lot more fun.
10. Sometimes it takes courage just to keep walking forward.
This was just for fun, but can I just say, God is teaching me a whole lot through this whole learning-Thai thing? Especially about commitment and surrendering the end result to Jesus. It’s number 10 that I keep thinking about as I finish my first month of Thai this week. To be honest, it surprises me how little I can speak and understand after almost 40 hours of language study. I feel like I’m chipping away at this monstrous boulder, and when I look down to see how far I’ve gotten, I can only see shavings of progress.
But God is faithful, and even though it’s hard, I am loving the process. It is an unbelievable blessing to have friends to go to Thai class with, and it is totally a work of God that I even have time in my schedule to fit in two hours of this a day. So it’s very clear to me that this is what God has given me to do right now, and I know that He has great plans to use it. Why or how, I’m not sure, but even if it’s just to teach me things and to open doors of relationship with this culture I’ve grown to love, then it’s worth it to me.
Yesterday, I was meeting with my dear friends, Karly and Catherine, and we talked about language stuff, among other things. Karly told us about her struggles when she was learning Spanish fluently in Spain. It’s just plain hard, but knowing that you’re meant to do it is the best weapon we have against giving up. In the end, we all agreed, we’ve just got to fully embrace what God has placed before us, whatever it is — a language, a relationship, a job — trusting that He knows where it’s leading.
save me from myself
"If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me." -Jesus [Mt. 10:38-39, the MSG]
This week, something peculiar happened. I was sitting in church, and I was happy. Really, really happy. And why not? God has led me here to Bangkok, has called me here to stay, has given me favor on all sides, and it feels so good. I love my friends, my job, my church, my new home, and I love what God is doing here. But as I sat there, I noticed something else that had crept its way into my heart:
A desire to cling…to hold onto what I have and secure it.
In just a matter of days, my fire and desperation and hunger for God and His purposes had ever so slightly begun to fade in the light of my richly satisfying life. And in that moment, I realized how it happens…how people get comfortable, how churches fall to complacency, how passion dies. It's just so easy.
So this week, my prayer has been, Oh God, save me from myself! Fix my eyes on You and all that is eternal. May I not be content to be content, but instead keep me asking, seeking, hungry.
And how great it is that our God is more than willing, more than eager, to answer our prayers and change our hearts.
Other prayers/highlights:
-Please pray that my church, LifeCenter, will find the best permanent venue that will house us well and give us space to grow. We continue to increase in numbers and energy; it is a joy! Pray for my role there and how God might best use me.
-Language school is awesome. I love it! Pray that we will learn quickly, and that my voice will hold out after teaching all day and then practicing language two hours after school.
-We had a school-wide staff retreat last weekend. It was a ton of fun. Please pray for God's protection over our school and the ministry we have there. Pray for unity. Pray that the souls of students and families alike will be saved!
Committed
Once I realized God was calling me to stay here in Bangkok, I knew I needed to change the way I live. All of my adult life (only 8 years, but still), I have resisted putting things up on walls, fixing things that are broken, and buying big things that are difficult to move. But I know that sometimes, heart follows action, and whether I’m here for five years or fifty, I have got to be committed.
So, this year, I’ve moved into my own studio apartment. It’s small, but I knew I could really make it my own. My mom (who loves this kind of stuff) helped me a ton when she came to visit. Here are pictures of the place, complete with new wallpaper, new paint, and even some new furniture/bedding!
Another thing I’ve been really moved to do is learn the language! I’ve been working at it since December now, but it’s so hard to make progress when most of my life is still in an English-speaking world! So this year, God has really answered my prayers, and opened up opportunity for me to learn. My friend, Catherine, and I are going to start class at a Thai language school this week — two hours a day, five days a week! I know this is absolutely the time to learn, and I am so excited to understand what my Thai friends are talking about all the time! I feel like this is going to also give me more ways to serve and build relationships at my church — yaaaaay!!
So please pray that we can learn the language quickly and well, and that we won’t be discouraged, even when it’s slow and hard!
To God be the glory as we follow Him onward.
definitely indefinite
“But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent?” -Romans 10:14-15a
I always hoped that life was kind of like a game board, where the only direction to really go…is forward. But the more I live, the more I realize we’re given choices all the time, and that some of the best choices we make really do come at a cost.
I think sometimes we resist the thought of God actually asking us to give something up, like me and my choice to move here. I kept thinking, if I do my time overseas, then God will bring me back to Washington and let me live my life the way I envisioned it. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too, ya know? Come to Thailand for two years, be a part of God’s bigger, worldwide agenda…and then go back and live my “normal” American life. And the thing is, I was totally right. I could have. But like my pastor back home used to always say, “Too often we settle for good things, when God is offering to us what is great.”
So if you haven’t heard, I’m staying. Not just for one more year. Indefinitely. I’m staying until God tells me to leave. And at this moment, the question of “when” doesn’t even exist in my mind. (So you don’t even need to ask, because I don’t know! 
)
For so long, I’ve been trying to hold onto some ounce of control. I realize now that my plans to return to America were always more about control and stability than anything else. By staying here indefinitely, I’m letting go of “life as I knew it” — for good this time — but more than that, I’m forfeiting my rights to plan my life, to have a say, to know what’s ahead. And why not? Why not submit fully to the plans and purposes of God for my life? Of course it comes at a cost, everything worthwhile does. But God’s plans are good and perfect and better; they’re always better.
We serve an amazing God, and I am honored to give up the life I wanted and exchange it for the life He’s holding out to me. Let’s live fully, radically, and recklessly for Him.
P.S. As you can see, I’ve finally jumped on the band wagon and joined wordpress. I think it’s better. Please change your links if need be!
living in two worlds
“Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones.”
-Puddleglum in The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis*
So I’ve been in America for two weeks now, and it feels more like I’ve been here for months and months…or that I never left at all. In some ways, it almost feels like I press the “pause” button when I leave, and then just hit “play” again whenever I’m back. I mean, I know things have changed, and I know I have changed a ton over this year…but sometimes it feels like all that happened “over there” doesn’t even count in this world.
It’s hard, because I come back and I see things with different eyes and Bangkok remains on my heart every day…and yet all it takes is a little bit of “normal” and I find myself questioning everything all over again.
Did all that I experience over this year really happen?
Am I just crazy for believing, crazy for staying, crazy for choosing that life over this one?
It breaks my heart that things come at a cost, and I wish everyone could understand and experience all that God’s done — around me and inside of me. But the bottom line is, deep down, I know. Even if it looks strange or selfish or foolish, I know that God has called me to follow His heart. And I know that He is worthy of my trust and worthy of my life. And I know that, one day, when we all look back on this, there will be no regrets.
I know.
*The above quote is from The Chronicles of Narnia. This is part of Puddleglum’s defense to the Witch’s claims against Narnia and all they believe in. To see this quote in context, click here.
capturing the heart of God
This photo was taken by my church friend, Benjima, at our last beach baptism party!
Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
Luke 15:3-7
We’ve finally reached my favorite part about teaching 6th grade social studies, when we read in our history books about the rise of Christianity. I try my best to be objective, I really do, and our textbooks aren’t Christian or anything…but the awesome thing is, no matter what you think about church or Christians even, you have got to admit that the God of the Bible is compelling.
We just learned about the life of Jesus, and so the students are learning different parables He taught. As I explained the one mentioned above, I was just moved by the heart of our God. What kind of God is this, who aches and longs to rescue every single soul…that no matter what else is going on, He is consumed by the hunt for his lost sheep?
It’s made me think of all the breakthrough I’m seeing in my friendships and at my church…Why does this surprise me? Is this not the heart of God? That we ache and hunger to see the lost saved? That we are found on our knees, praying and fasting for our friends who don’t know Jesus? That the Church — His Body — is obsessed with sharing God’s love, with seeing more and more people saved and baptized? And if that is the heart of our God, then, of course God will bless this. Of course God will answer our prayers. Of course God will use us to reveal Himself.
It must be what He was talking about when He said, “Ask anything in my name, and I will do it.” When we join God in His heart and purposes, nothing can stop us.
the harvest is plentiful
“But I say, wake up and look around. The fields are already ripe for harvest. The harvesters are paid good wages, and the fruit they harvest is people brought to eternal life. What joy awaits both the planter and the harvester alike! You know the saying, ‘One plants and another harvests.’ And it’s true. I sent you to harvest where you didn’t plant; others had already done the work, and now you will get to gather the harvest.”
-Jesus (Jn. 4:35b-38)
Paulina (Pastor Daniel’s wife), me, and our new friend, Daeng
I had the immense joy and privilege of seeing two new friends come to know Jesus this week!!! One of these friends I met on my flight back home from Jakarta last month (crazy, right?)…and then yesterday, she brought her friend to church and he decided at dinner last night that he needed Jesus too! Unbelievable. My heart is so overwhelmed….that You would use me, Lord?
One of the hardest things about following God is never really knowing when breakthrough will come. We never know when we will see the lost saved, or when revival will break out. And yet we are called to pray and believe that it’s coming — whether that means in days, or months, or years and years. And by praying and believing towards it, we are helping bring it about. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that breakthrough comes when we say and do exactly the right things, but really, it’s a battle won by faith and obedience. The role we play is not up to us. Sometimes we get to actually “see” the fruits of our labor…and sometimes we don’t.
As I spend my days here in Bangkok, I am convinced that this is a very, very special season for my church and for this city. I believe that God is stirring up something big, and that breakthrough is coming. Hearts are open, and there is a longing for truth among us. Oh God, that You would call me here for such a time as this? I am humbled and honored and amazed.
Please keep us near to your thoughts and join with us in your heart and prayers.
- Pray for Thailand. God is opening ways for the Gospel to be proclaimed to those who have never heard…and it is a beautiful thing.
- Pray for my church, Life Center, as we prepare for the official opening August 4-7. Pray that we will find the perfect new venue…a place where we can grow, and meet often, and create a welcoming ambiance. Already we have about doubled in size in the past couple months. Pray for vision and provision and a continued outpouring of His Spirit among us. God is doing great things!
- Pray that I am able to sell my car this summer, and if you know of anyone who could use a 2006 Mazda3, pass the word along — $9,000…about 50,000 miles and still under a bumper-to-bumper warranty!
- Pray for God’s favor in empyting my storage in WA. I’ve been tottering back and forth about keeping it or not. But the bottom line is, I am spending $70 a month…to store a bunch of stuff I never use. To be honest, the main thing holding me back is the logistics of manpower, time and energy, a way to sell things, etc. If somehow you could and would want to help, please let me know. I’d be ever, ever grateful!
just let it all out
This past week, my dear friend from Washington, Jody, asked me why I haven’t been writing much lately. I replied by saying that, strangely enough, I just haven’t had the words to express all that God’s been doing in my heart. But as I thought about it more, I realized that’s only partially true. The whole truth is, God has been doing some radical, life-altering things inside of me…and I’m a little shy to talk about it. So lately, I’ve been kind of selective in what I share and who I share it with…but that’s not me! God has given me a calling to share my heart and life freely, and so here goes nothin’. I’m letting it all out.
Most of my life, I’ve felt a little bit radical, and I’ve never really known what to do with all this passion inside. At times, I’ve felt really constricted by the boundaries of mainstream, conservative Christianity, but I had huge doubts and fears about exploring outside of its safety.
Last spring, God really challenged me in all of this and asked me why I limit Him and how He wants to reveal Himself to me. So one night, in the privacy of my classroom, during a personal worship session, I surrendered my pride and fears and said, “God, do what You want. Reveal yourself however You want to.” And that night, he gave me the gift of tongues.
At first, I was excited, because for the first time ever, God gave me a gift that could only be explained by Him. And in that moment, all of my assumptions and expectations of what is possible were suddenly ripped to shreds. But then, as reality set in, I started to feel really sad. I realized that I’ve experienced God in a way many people — even within the church — won’t understand and many won’t accept. I had left my safe place of neutrality and would be forever labeled by this supernatural gift.
So for a few months, I decided that, really, nothing had changed. And it’s true in a way, because praying in the Spirit is a lot like praying normally; you just don’t know what you’re saying. But as I kept walking forward and letting God move me, it became clear that many things had changed. Everything had changed.
It’s not simply because of the gift, but it’s because a people-pleasing, hungry-to-conform part of me had died when I received it, and for the first time, I was open to everything God had for me. In the past year, God has revealed Himself through prophetic word, through speaking specific scriptures to my heart, through crazy, divinely appointed friendships. Even the way I ended up at Life Center (my current church) is totally of Him. I had just fully surrendered my plans to God and told Him I’d even stay in Bangkok or go to a completely new place if that’s what He wanted. And that same night, I heard in my heart, “Go to the Brolin’s church.” I knew of it, because the Brolin family attends our school. So the next day, I went there and I haven’t stopped since. Life Center fits my heart in ways only God could have planned, and it was really the main factor in my choice to stay in Bangkok for longer.
I don’t share all this to boast of my new experiences. In fact, I say it all with hesitation, because I know some people may think I’ve now gone off the deep end. And I hate that. I don’t want to be misunderstood or judged. But goodness, I don’t want to live in fear either. I am grateful that God continues to answer my prayer for more of Him and that He completely blows me away with what that looks like.
More to come. Thanks, Jody, the seal is now broken and my thoughts are again free to flow!
