on money, and worrying, and finding rest for my soul

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I have to be honest, I worry about money.  I always have.  I worry about debt, and I worry about spending too much, and I worry about not giving enough, and — more than anything else — I worry about making mistakes.  What if I buy those shoes and I shouldn’t?  What if I give them money, and they waste it?  What if I save when I should have spent, or spend when I should have saved?

I came home to California in early August, hopeful to work as soon as possible, because, well, I was worried about money.  I just paid off my undergrad loans (praise God!), and now, of course, I’m looking toward a whole new world of grad school loans, hah.  And even though, of course, I know nothing about real financial crisis, and I’m blessed to be living with family, I still worry and calculate and anticipate.

So, I’m sure, you can just imagine what kind of impatience comes over me as I’ve hit so many roadblocks on my way to start working here.  I ask myself, should I just take any job?  Because we all know that making something always feels better than making nothing. And all this extra time and silence gives space for fear and doubt.

But inside my heart, I know that God is telling me to wait, to be still, to rest in Him.  Inside, I know that if I just keep with the course, all the paperwork and such will come through, and God will provide.

It reminds me of that time, when Jesus was talking to those people on a mountain, and he said that they can’t follow money if they want to follow God, and how treasures on earth are gonna rot away anyhow.  And then he says that we shouldn’t worry about how our needs will be met, because He’s got it.

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own,” He said.

And so, somehow, I just have to be faithful to God for today, and use my time or money in the best ways I can to honor Him. Maybe, for today, I’m supposed to sit in a coffee shop and spend time talking with God.  Maybe, all along, these past weeks were meant to be filled with family, and making new friends, and rest.

Jesus knew all about rest.  In fact, He was the one who said that if we just take His yoke upon us, and learn from Him, we will find rest for our souls.  And I don’t think it’s the lazy, complacent kind of rest He’s talking about.  I think it’s the deep-down rest that comes in submitting to His control, and letting what He gives us today be enough.

So God, help me to stop trying to make things happen on my own.  Help me to take up that easy yoke, to let You lead me and teach me, and to find that place of rest in You.

*Excepts are from Matthew 6 and Matthew 11

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